I’ve always just assumed that because I was born into this body, or this being, that I would know thyself well, better than any other. Maybe it’s that "thirty-something" wisdom kicking in, or maybe a result of honest and open dialogue with one of my best friends, but recently I’ve had some moments of what we like to call "self discovery". These are the moments when you remove the wool from your own eyes, put your big girl panties on and have a down right honest conversation with yourself, and move on. Sometimes the conversations are deep and meaningful, some are simple and silly, but they are always the truth! I encourage you all to take 5 minutes and have a moment of "self discovery". Let’s get to know OURSELVES better. Whether it emotionally, physically, sexually or financially, it’s time to have an intimate moment with YOU. These moments have allowed me to put to bed some of the things that have been invading my time, thoughts and productivity. Whether I’ve written it down, talked to myself in the shower or car, or just had one of those moments when I’m smiling and no one knows why, I’ve discovered something and moved on. I encourage you to share what you’ve discovered about your self or life in general. We are all family. Feel free to be anonymous, but please "LET IT OUT". I’ll go first. This is what I’ve discovered most recently:
1) I had no idea that I had lost my self esteem until I started to regain it. It feels AMAZING to love myself enough to say "I’m gonna take care of me" ….and really mean it this time.
2) I will never have a close relationship with my in laws despite my efforts. I will love and respect them from afar. It’s their loss if they do not want to allow my husband and I into their tiny little world.
3) Just because another man seems to embody everything that you want, it’s important to know that wants often change but needs are much more consistent. If he gives you what you need, then hold on to him!
4) My support system is AMAZING! I need to make more of an effort to reciprocate that love and support to others.
I can’t wait to read what you’ve discovered recently!
Happy "self discovery" Friday,
Clutch
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Overcoming Adversity
I have come to realize that it isn’t when all is well that you can see situations clearly, but while you are in the valley. In the valley there is solitude. In solitude there is time for reflection. Reflection allows us to see clearly so that we can see both sides of a situation.
While we have all heard the clichés,” If life gives you lemons, make lemonade, “He can never put more on you than you can bear”, and “This too shall pass”. How often do we really honestly believe that?
From my personal experience, I can say I have said this and heard it on numerous occasions. I can honestly say that there were times that I stayed in the valley way too long. There was too much time spent having parties (pity), pointing fingers (blaming) and being pissed.
Yes, the valley will give you time to reflect. Reflection is a time to analyze and make really conscious decisions and calculated risk about how you plan to get through the storm. There is only one sure fire calculation that will get you through anything. The equation is Strength + Courage+ Wisdom= Breakthrough. If you can muster the strength to pick yourself up, the courage to look adversity in the eye and the wisdom to learn from the mishaps then you can definitely find your way through.
We must learn that it is not the size of the problem but how we choose to deal with it.
Remember Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It is about learning to dance in the rain.
While we have all heard the clichés,” If life gives you lemons, make lemonade, “He can never put more on you than you can bear”, and “This too shall pass”. How often do we really honestly believe that?
From my personal experience, I can say I have said this and heard it on numerous occasions. I can honestly say that there were times that I stayed in the valley way too long. There was too much time spent having parties (pity), pointing fingers (blaming) and being pissed.
Yes, the valley will give you time to reflect. Reflection is a time to analyze and make really conscious decisions and calculated risk about how you plan to get through the storm. There is only one sure fire calculation that will get you through anything. The equation is Strength + Courage+ Wisdom= Breakthrough. If you can muster the strength to pick yourself up, the courage to look adversity in the eye and the wisdom to learn from the mishaps then you can definitely find your way through.
We must learn that it is not the size of the problem but how we choose to deal with it.
Remember Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It is about learning to dance in the rain.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
WOMEN
We as women, of all colors, socio-economic backgrounds and cultures need to come together. We need to be careful how we approach each other and what we assume about each other.
We need to cease offending each other, fussing and taking other peoples’ property, whatever it may be their family, friends,and/or relationship. Recently I found out there are no boundaries for pain, (loss of parents suddenly, to a love one going to jail for a crime not committed by him/her), frustration (loss of job, friends or even good health), hurt (whether physically, mentally or emotionally) and general failure (feelings of low self esteem, loss of self, friends and of our livelihood) according to society.
These are hard times out there for most, if not all. Ladies---WOMEN we, more than ever should be backing each other, showing support and assisting whenever possible. Emotional creatures we are; and this will never change.
Is it me, or has the world gone crazy? There seems to be more negative behavior and personalities out balancing the positivity of those around us. We all need to remember, there is good in everything surrounding us.
We will encounter those that are negative and unfortunately, because of their own bad experiences, surge forward to destroy and cause mayhem in our lives.
BEWARE of this; women, let us bond together to encourage all, including ourselves, to protect our families, friends, relationship and self decorum.
We must remember, we are not each other's enemies, but sisters of the world, who need to strive to live in sisterhood, and have peace within ourselves and for each other...
LOVE yourselves, first!!!!!
Exotic Chocolate - Sling Back
Real life, Real talk, Real women
We need to cease offending each other, fussing and taking other peoples’ property, whatever it may be their family, friends,and/or relationship. Recently I found out there are no boundaries for pain, (loss of parents suddenly, to a love one going to jail for a crime not committed by him/her), frustration (loss of job, friends or even good health), hurt (whether physically, mentally or emotionally) and general failure (feelings of low self esteem, loss of self, friends and of our livelihood) according to society.
These are hard times out there for most, if not all. Ladies---WOMEN we, more than ever should be backing each other, showing support and assisting whenever possible. Emotional creatures we are; and this will never change.
Is it me, or has the world gone crazy? There seems to be more negative behavior and personalities out balancing the positivity of those around us. We all need to remember, there is good in everything surrounding us.
We will encounter those that are negative and unfortunately, because of their own bad experiences, surge forward to destroy and cause mayhem in our lives.
BEWARE of this; women, let us bond together to encourage all, including ourselves, to protect our families, friends, relationship and self decorum.
We must remember, we are not each other's enemies, but sisters of the world, who need to strive to live in sisterhood, and have peace within ourselves and for each other...
LOVE yourselves, first!!!!!
Exotic Chocolate - Sling Back
Real life, Real talk, Real women
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Getting the realtionship you want
While sitting having dinner with a couple of friends we started to converse about a friend that seems to fall into relationships with guys for all the wrong reasons. She is attractive although I don’t think she believes it. It appears that she is always the one compromising what she needs in a relationship to have a man in her life. We as women tend to negotiate when it comes to our needs. Does it have to be that way?
Believe me I understand that a relationship should be give and take but women tend to do the majority of the giving. This friend jumps from one unfulfilling relationship to another. The first guy that I recall her dating treated her as a meantime girl. After that she was in a relationship with a guy that classified them as friends but she was contemplating moving in with him. What the hell! Whenever he wasn’t in a “real relationship” he would call on her. She took her self though much heartache on that one because in the end he married someone else.
How do we get women to value themselves more than that? I have some ideas on that one. Everyone wants to be loved and needed, me included. A woman should never sacrifice her needs and wants for that of a man. Any man worth having or loving would not want you to do that. If you find that you can’t rely on him for at least some emotional support, then what do you need him for.
Women if you want a relationship then you should ask for that and believe that you deserve that. Now I know that some of us out there are just looking to have some fun and that is cool but you need to make sure what ever those needs are they are communicated. If you want a relationship then the guy you are dealing must want the same thing. If he starts off saying that is what he wants, then you need to make sure that you allow enough time in the relationship to see if that is genuine. Men will tell us what ever we want to hear to get us to play horizontally. Again if you are just looking for a good time then go for it, but if you want a relationship going to the bedroom quickly is not the answer.
Let’s face it; men will always get what they need from us so we need to demand what we need from them.
Much Love
Chanel
Real Life, Real Talk, Real Women
Believe me I understand that a relationship should be give and take but women tend to do the majority of the giving. This friend jumps from one unfulfilling relationship to another. The first guy that I recall her dating treated her as a meantime girl. After that she was in a relationship with a guy that classified them as friends but she was contemplating moving in with him. What the hell! Whenever he wasn’t in a “real relationship” he would call on her. She took her self though much heartache on that one because in the end he married someone else.
How do we get women to value themselves more than that? I have some ideas on that one. Everyone wants to be loved and needed, me included. A woman should never sacrifice her needs and wants for that of a man. Any man worth having or loving would not want you to do that. If you find that you can’t rely on him for at least some emotional support, then what do you need him for.
Women if you want a relationship then you should ask for that and believe that you deserve that. Now I know that some of us out there are just looking to have some fun and that is cool but you need to make sure what ever those needs are they are communicated. If you want a relationship then the guy you are dealing must want the same thing. If he starts off saying that is what he wants, then you need to make sure that you allow enough time in the relationship to see if that is genuine. Men will tell us what ever we want to hear to get us to play horizontally. Again if you are just looking for a good time then go for it, but if you want a relationship going to the bedroom quickly is not the answer.
Let’s face it; men will always get what they need from us so we need to demand what we need from them.
Much Love
Chanel
Real Life, Real Talk, Real Women
Monday, July 27, 2009
Love Yourself First
I spent over an hour Sunday evening talking with a 19 year old beautiful young lady. Our conversation consisted of me doing most of the talking and her listening, I hope intently, because my message was important. She had received from her 20 year old boyfriend of three years, a voicemail that was far from sweet or kind. In this voicemail he called her the “C” word ten times! She was devastated, hurt, angry, and confused. However; what saddened me was that I could tell she was not sure if she could leave him. She was not convinced and felt that maybe she deserved this unequivocally deplorable, disrespectful, and unacceptable treatment.
So my heart went out to her because although I had just met her that evening, I felt a common thread because I too have gone through a very similar situation where it was painfully obvious that I had been disrespected and it was time to move on but instead I wavered, had second thoughts, began to second guess myself and ultimately went back just to find out it would only get worse. So I felt compelled to spend the time trying to convince her that she was worth more than how she had been treated. I told her that in most cases once the line of disrespect had been crossed then all future misunderstandings would probably start there and escalate. I explained to her that although she had been with him for three years that he still does not define or complete her. I continued to inundate her with statements like “you are a queen”, “you are special”, and “you are beautiful” trying to make her see that to stay would just allow him to continue to strip her self esteem away. I told her that I knew it would not be easy but that it could be done if she cut off all contact and surrounded herself with only true friends that are not there to take sides, but are there to support her with moving on.
Ladies, it is time for us to realize our self worth. It is time for us to begin to love ourselves first, raise our standards and no longer be afraid of being alone. This is not about blame, this is more about taking responsibility for the only thing we can control and change and that’s OURSELVES! One of my favorite sayings is, insanity is repeating the same act over and over again expecting each time to see a different result. What I’m suggesting is making a change within yourself so that you will begin to see your value.
The way to begin is by taking baby steps. Start by listing out all of the things you really want to change that are in your control from smallest to biggest. Do whatever you need to do to make a change with the smallest thing first and celebrate your victory. Continue with the process until you are able to change the big things. Remember it’s changing what you do or how you react because that’s the only thing you have control of. There’s another saying that goes “when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired" but why wait that long????? Let’s start now! I know some of you are in long term relationships or marriages with kids but let me tell you I’m a product of a marriage that didn’t work but my parents decided to stay together for the sake of the kids. What did that show me…..a very unhealthy relationship example and sometimes unfortunately you do grow up and without really thinking about it, imitate life! So don’t use children or length of time as an excuse. You are the only you you’ve got and life is precious with tomorrow not promised, so make a change. You’re not the only person going through something. We are made up of the same fiber and we experience very similar things. Make a change, LOVE YOURSELF First! Remember loving yourself is not selfish but self-help! So I don’t know what the beautiful 19 year old young lady decided to do but I pray that she decided to love herself first.
Real Life, Real Talk, Real Women……
Stiletto
So my heart went out to her because although I had just met her that evening, I felt a common thread because I too have gone through a very similar situation where it was painfully obvious that I had been disrespected and it was time to move on but instead I wavered, had second thoughts, began to second guess myself and ultimately went back just to find out it would only get worse. So I felt compelled to spend the time trying to convince her that she was worth more than how she had been treated. I told her that in most cases once the line of disrespect had been crossed then all future misunderstandings would probably start there and escalate. I explained to her that although she had been with him for three years that he still does not define or complete her. I continued to inundate her with statements like “you are a queen”, “you are special”, and “you are beautiful” trying to make her see that to stay would just allow him to continue to strip her self esteem away. I told her that I knew it would not be easy but that it could be done if she cut off all contact and surrounded herself with only true friends that are not there to take sides, but are there to support her with moving on.
Ladies, it is time for us to realize our self worth. It is time for us to begin to love ourselves first, raise our standards and no longer be afraid of being alone. This is not about blame, this is more about taking responsibility for the only thing we can control and change and that’s OURSELVES! One of my favorite sayings is, insanity is repeating the same act over and over again expecting each time to see a different result. What I’m suggesting is making a change within yourself so that you will begin to see your value.
The way to begin is by taking baby steps. Start by listing out all of the things you really want to change that are in your control from smallest to biggest. Do whatever you need to do to make a change with the smallest thing first and celebrate your victory. Continue with the process until you are able to change the big things. Remember it’s changing what you do or how you react because that’s the only thing you have control of. There’s another saying that goes “when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired" but why wait that long????? Let’s start now! I know some of you are in long term relationships or marriages with kids but let me tell you I’m a product of a marriage that didn’t work but my parents decided to stay together for the sake of the kids. What did that show me…..a very unhealthy relationship example and sometimes unfortunately you do grow up and without really thinking about it, imitate life! So don’t use children or length of time as an excuse. You are the only you you’ve got and life is precious with tomorrow not promised, so make a change. You’re not the only person going through something. We are made up of the same fiber and we experience very similar things. Make a change, LOVE YOURSELF First! Remember loving yourself is not selfish but self-help! So I don’t know what the beautiful 19 year old young lady decided to do but I pray that she decided to love herself first.
Real Life, Real Talk, Real Women……
Stiletto
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Sharing
Throughout our lives we share so much. Unfortunately, people tend to be very particular about who and what we share. Sometimes, this can be good and sometimes it can be bad. Particular if we have wisdom and knowledge to share that can help others and/or prevent them from making the same mistakes. Several years ago, I can remember a former co-worker that did not tell us that she was having problems and was on the verge of losing her house. The stress was affecting her job, work performance and family life. One night as we worked after hours, she broke down and let it out. The irony, we worked at a bank….I didn’t know what to do, but I knew she was a valued employee. I picked up the phone and called a VP and asked for assistance for this employee with a great track record. By taking action, I was able to get this employee the assistance she needed to save her home, job and family. It was not for any type of reward, it was for the sheer fact that I wanted to share whatever power I could to help someone in need. Once this was done, this employee talked to other African-American employees about asking for assistance and trusting people. I know it is very difficult to share and trust, but life is too short to live on island by yourself and/or keep things to yourself. During these uncertain times, we hear so much about asking for help, talking to creditors, talking to mortgage lenders, etc. We all need help and we all can help someone else. It is like kindergarten, “it is not over until everyone gets there milk and cookies. We have to help each other survive or else we are not going to be too successful in the end.
This blog is here to share our myriad of experiences. Some good, some bad and some downright funny. Whatever the stories, experience and knowledge that we impart, we do it with love. Love of life, love of family, love of friends and true love of the Sisterhood. We ask that you come along for the ride. Feel free to love, laugh, share and learn from our home grown wisdom. It may not be all right, but it is all ours.
Peace and love,
Sandals
Real Life, Real Talk, Real Women
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