In Support of Sisterhood

Have you ever been somewhere with other women and no one speaks to each other? You get body checked, sized up, but not spoken to or even do the speaking. What is up with this constant disrespect of sisters to each other? When did or does it start?

This summer our daughter is staying with close friends with children her age during the day instead of going to summer camp. My friend has a 12 year-old cousin visiting from Alabama for about 8 weeks. This child is the nicest, most mannerable and agreeable child I have ever met. She speaks with a Southern accent and is of a “traditional” size (#1 Ladies Detective Agency). Most importantly, she has loads of confidence. The girls in our village of all colors embraced her openly and without any regards to her different accent, size, etc. The summer has gone famously and last night I attended her going away party that her Chicago friends threw at an Ice Cream Parlor. The sweetness of their play and happiness at celebrating their friend, even though she was leaving the next day, was priceless. The innocence of young children is precious.

When does this change of body checking or sizing other women up start to occur? Is it the onset of hormones? I honestly don’t remember. How can we stop this madness and get on with loving and supporting each other? How can we help and prevent our daughters from falling into this trap? The trap of thinking every other woman is competition, can’t be trusted with our job, man or secrets. I have a short story and then I will answer these questions.

I met Stiletto at a conference of a large company that we worked for. There were only 6 other black women at the 180+ person conference. I was friendly with and knew all the other black women. Stiletto and I didn’t get a chance to meet until day 3 of the conference, although we saw each other periodically throughout the day. Finally, we met on the bus ride to dinner. She sat next to me and we talked like we were best friends. I honestly believe that people cannot pick other people to be their friends; it has to be a “mutual” coming together. As our conversation progressed over our group dinner, she mentioned that she didn’t normally talk to other black women because she seemed to always have a problem and that sometimes other black women had a problem with her.

Who hasn’t lived this story? Of course, she is gorgeous and I could see people being intimidated, but at heart we all want relationships in our lives whether from men, our families or our girls. In Stiletto, I found someone with the same values, ideas, wants, needs, insecurities, humor, silliness that we all have and/or seek. The old proverbs of our big mama’s and mama’s is true, “you can’t know about the book until you read the words because the title is a tease or a turnoff” We must take the leap of faith to speak to someone that we wouldn’t ordinarily speak to even if it takes us out of our comfort level. Saying hello doesn’t cost any money, not one red cent. However, it might yield a pot of gold in terms of friendship. If Stiletto hadn’t sat next to me, we wouldn’t be blogging today. I am lucky to count these women as my friends and sisters.

Now to answer the question(s): We must ensure that every girl is confident in her abilities and let her know that having her own education and “stuff” is paramount to not letting anyone “body check” you into feeling insecure. When you are smart, confident and have your own stuff, you can rule the world. The adage “beauty is, as beauty does” is so true. Our daughters must know that being beautiful inside will have deep, long lasting effects on other people’s lives. External beauty is fleeting and people forget really quickly when it's gone.

Many people think Sex and the City was a white girl myth and that Girlfriends was a true depiction of black female relationships. Don’t get me wrong, each show has it’s cult following. Although, I am black, I happen to be of the SATC camp. I enjoy the nurturing friendships that women can give each other. I keep mentioning that we started this blog because we wanted to enjoy a girls night out with women that weren’t long suffering, complained or whined about everything and most importantly, we wanted to make a difference with our shared and different experiences. It is okay to whine or complain as long as you are going to take constructive feedback and do something about your situation. Not one person wants to constantly hear stories that are not resolute or have a conclusion. Make a pact with your “girls” that you are embarking on a life of positivity and take that drive together. Teach it to your daughters, sisters or other girls/women in your lives. The scenery will be refreshing and rewarding. I promise this grass will be greener and better!

Peace and love,
Sandals

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